I come to bury the Conservative Party, not to praise it. The Tories did not just deserve to lose this election. They deserved to be annihilated, reduced to a smoking hole in the ground by a vengeful electorate in the manner of Sodom and Gomorrah as a warning to generations of politicians to come.
In the distant mists of time, all the way back in 2010, David Cameron and his party were elected with a simple mandate: cut immigration, fix the public finances, and get Britain growing again. How did that go?
In the 14 years since, despite promising in 2010, 2015, 2017 and 2019 to bring numbers down, they have sent net migration soaring to unprecedented levels, with more people added to the population last year than in the whole of the 1990s. The tax burden is at a postwar high, debt is soaring, the country has lost its AAA credit rating, and weâve just had the worst 15 years for living standards in generations.
Throughout their time in office, the Conservatives have attempted to pin the blame for their underperformance on other people and random bad luck, from the financial crisis to the Covid pandemic and the war in Ukraine. Yet the truth of the matter is that they also played their hand appallingly, systematically alienating potential voters with a sort of negative triangulation almost impressive in its incompetence.
One Nation liberals are furious at the partyâs rhetoric on immigration, deeply uneasy with its stance on trans rights and worried by its attacks on the ECHR and the Rwanda scheme. Social conservatives, on the other hand, are outraged by its policy on immigration, its failure to oust gender ideology from schools, and its habit of talking tough on international law before quietly backing down.
Hardcore Remainers are upset about Brexit. Hardcore Brexiteers are upset about Brexit, and the latitude left to the EU to meddle in our affairs. Small state conservatives are outraged by the tax burden, the creeping introduction of soft blasphemy codes governing daily speech and the censorship of online interaction. Those of a more paternalistic bent are furious that public services are falling apart.
If youâre a young person, voting Conservative meant national service for a country which seems to hate you, bleeding you dry with taxes and tuition fees, with a housing market set to destroy your life prospects. If youâre an old person, it meant an NHS that doesnât function, a social care system falling apart at the seams, and fortnightly displays of Islamist fervour going unchecked, while schoolchildren are referred to counter-extremism experts for refusing to identify as âqueerâ.
And above it all, alienating each group equally, is the stench of moral decay, with MPs repeatedly embroiled in scandals ranging from sex to flagrantly breaking their own lockdown rules.
Whatâs left of the party in the morning should count its blessings. Each seat retained is an unearned act of kindness from a merciful electorate. And then it should set about working out what itâs actually for. After 14 years of failure, ânot being Labourâ wonât cut it.
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