Humor: I'm just a mermaid looking for a man who won't force me to

Are you interested in dating a real mermaid? I’m not talking about a woman with incredible abs strutting about the aquarium, dragging a ton of sequins on her fake fins. She has dreams of making it in Vegas. I have dreams of finding love.

Look, I’m the real deal. My iridescent scales are the envy of every sea creature on this side of the Mariana Trench. But if fins are not your thing, fret not. I have an in with someone who can create a sweet pair of legs for me once I find a man who is worthy of them. And, by default, me.

Oh, you thought I was some slutty sea nymph? Think again. Those legs are for someone ready for a serious relationship. I will never get tricked into falling for some guy who can’t commit. I’m done pretending to be a chill fish/girl who is up for whatever, particularly when that attitude can end with me dissolving into sea foam.

So let’s be clear. I won’t tolerate dating in a grey area, sleeping on a pillow outside your door, or you telling me I remind you of your sister. Oh, is that what you’re into? Then keep scrolling, Mr. Alabama. That’s not my kink. If you can’t see that I’m a catch, I won’t waste time on you. I’m not up for dalliances with wishy-washy men who literally don’t know what’s right in front of them.

Don’t let my forwardness about what I want scare you away. There are quite a few perks to being with a mermaid-turned-human. Did I mention that I won’t be able to speak? This means I won’t go on for hours about what some noble lady said to another. Nor will I ruin a puppet show you are enjoying with constant questions. Why the silent treatment? It’s the price I pay for my legs and other essential human anatomy. I’m not sold on the idea of kids, but I do want that to be an option.

And you won’t get any of that magically-produced good stuff until a ring is on my finger.

I get it. I’m intense. Maybe you believe I’m asking for too much too soon. Should this be the case, then you obviously have never had your heart broken after giving up your voice and then broke your sister’s hearts (after they cut off their hair for you) by refusing to kill the dude who broke your heart only to then end up as sea foam.

So I have baggage. Who doesn’t? If you can’t handle my needs, there are plenty of other fish creatures in the sea.

I’m older and wiser now. So dumb that I let my love for a man blind me to terrible contractual obligations. I spent almost 1000 years as sky bubbles for failing to get the proper words of affection from him. I thought he’d come around and realize I was more than just a “sister” figure.

Surprise! He did not. Back then, I made the choice not to stab him. Believe me, I won’t make that mistake again if I’m betrayed. If you break my heart, I’ll rip yours out and eat it for good measure. Other human girls say it’s hard for men to open up and say, “I love you.” They say it’s just ” not in men’s nature.”

Excuse me? That’s not an excuse not to jump over the lowest bar in a relationship. Nature, my ass! It was in my nature to eat the flesh of men I shipwrecked. If I can stop mutilating sailor’s bodies, then men can say three simple words, don’t you think?

Sorry for the lecture. If you want to get to know me, hang out on the pier. We can take it slow, with me in my mermaid form. I don’t want to find out on your wedding night to someone else that I wasn’t the right one. This time, I will maintain my dignity and keep my fins.

Despite all the heartache and years spent as literal bubbles drifting through homes, I want to take a chance on love again. I may be a little mermaid, but I am not dumb. If you’ve got excuses and red flags, then I want nothing to do with you. I need someone who will hold me close, tell me I’m loved, and prevent me from spending another century as moralizing sea foam.

Writing dumb things to make you laugh

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