The 5 benefits of solo time away every parent should enjoy

I used to wonder how a woman could pack up and leave her family. I don’t mean permanently. I’m talking about even for a few days. Why would someone choose to go on vacation or spend days without those they love the most? I couldn’t imagine it.

But then I tried it and changed my mind.

With my husband holding down the fort at home, I enjoyed a solo train ride to and from the New York City, attended a two-day creativity workshop, had a little wine, good meals I didn’t have to cook or clean up, quality time with my aunt, solo walks around the city and a night in a hotel where I slept smack dab in the middle of a queen-sized bed on crisp white sheets.

I also experienced the immeasurable pleasure of sitting alone in a coffee shop with a cappuccino and a chocolate chip-tahini scone with nowhere to be and no one to cater to. Anonymous and unbothered, I relaxed and let myself be.

There is something uniquely refreshing about simply spending time being. Not being a wife, daughter or mother. Not even a friend or co-worker. Just a woman without an agenda or to-do list in hand. In being, I found compassion for myself instead of the usual pressure to do more, more, more.

I don’t think you need to be a mother to understand. The time and space to be alone with oneself — with no expectations of accomplishment or progress — is something we all need more of. Yet, it’s not something our society encourages us to pursue.

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When was the last time you had a genuine break?

The treadmill is always running, even at night when we step off and lay down to sleep. We always hear it, calling us to get back on and keep going. Reminding us of how many more miles we could go if we only worked harder.

Maybe you’ve seen statistics about how many advertisements we see and hear in a day or how many times a day we look at our cell phones, ready to respond to the next text, tweet, email or phone call. Perhaps if you’re a mother you’ve laughed at funny memes poking fun of how many times a day someone calls for “Mom” and means you.

We may have grown so accustomed to this relentless bombardment on our time and senses that we forget how unnatural it is. How it wasn’t always like this.

That it shouldn’t always be now.

The antidote is to get out of town, alone.

I’m fortunate to have a husband who can watch the kids when I go away. I recognize not everyone has this. Single parents must ask a friend or family member for help. If someone you love is a single parent, considering offering so they don’t need to ask!

Though the first time was difficult, I’ve come to realize that both my family and I enjoy my stepping away. It’s not a selfish thing to do. This has erased the guilt and (most of) the departure anxiety I once faced.

I’ve discovered there are five benefits to leaving that you and your family might enjoy.

1) Your family gets to function without you

It’s common for mothers, in particular, to feel their kids can’t survive without them. Maybe it stems from being the sole provider of their nourishment during pregnancy and those early breastfeeding months. Or maybe it’s just that we don’t want them to have to do it all without our help and presence. Society tells us it’s our role to be there for them all the time. Or casts judgment on us when we aren’t.

When you leave, both you and your family get to see that they not only can survive without you, they can thrive. They can have fun. They can figure things out. Someone else will find the ketchup in the refrigerator and do the ponytails. It will be okay. They might even invent a new hairstyle or find they like mustard on their veggie burgers better.

It’s easy to see how this gives the kids a sense of confidence and accomplishment, but it may also do the same for your spouse if they’ve never been in this position. In our desire to be there, we may have pushed them out of certain things that they can now participate in. You gain some peace of mind from this.

If you can’t be there for some reason, you know they’ll be okay. They will have had some practice.

2) You learn to let go of control

When I got home, I found out my husband hadn’t put the kids to bed when I would have on Saturday night. He’s not a stickler for bedtime like I am. So he’d done things his way.

In leaving, we can learn to let go. For some of us (like me), this can be hard. But we can’t be in two places at once. We can’t run the show at home and getaway at the same time. So, we have no choice but to let go.

Things may not go the way you’d want, but they will be fine. And so will you.

Turns out, not feeling like we have to be in charge can feel fantastic.

3) You all get practice with separation

Raising kids partly means learning to let them go, a little more each time. The first time you leave them with a babysitter. The first day of preschool. The first day of elementary school (that felt like an eternity). It keeps going until you send them off to college or out into the world on their own. Then you must live without the daily in-person contact from then on.

I’m not there yet. I don’t feel ready for that at all. But I do believe these little escapes are helping to prepare me.

They help to prepare the kids too. If we hold their hands until their 18th birthday, how can we expect our kids to know what to do when we finally let go?

While my husband’s career has meant that he has left us dozens of times, I haven’t had this experience. Which makes choosing to leave all the more important. For me and them.

4) You get the space to solve problems

It can be so hard to see creative solutions when we are stuck in our routine. Spending some time miles from home can give us the perspective we need to solve problems. From a distance, we can also see better ways of living our day to day lives.

I’ve never left intending to solve a particular problem. Nor have I planned to come up with a way of changing something at home.

But I never fail to get new ideas when I am away. And I always feel certain they are ones I wouldn’t have thought of if I hadn’t left.

I bring them home with me and use them to make all our lives better. The perspective gained from having time away is invaluable.

5) You’ll appreciate one another more

A little absence might not make you and your family love each other more, but it will help you recognize the love you have for one another. We can take one another for granted in the bustle of day to day life. For me, I can feel how fortunate I am when it comes to my love for my husband and kids when I can’t be with them. This feeling often lasts for days after I get back.

In the hugs and kisses I get from my family when I return home, I sense that they’ve had a similar experience. It’s harder for us to take each other for granted when we are apart.

As I rode the train back that Sunday night I felt an excitement in returning home. Unlike on most Sunday nights, I felt refreshed. I could look forward to the busy week ahead with gratitude and excitement for what would happen next. I could appreciate how lucky I am to share my life with my family.

What kind of break could you use?

When I’ve taken some time away from my family, I haven’t chosen crazy girls’ weekends in Las Vegas or weeklong stays at a luxurious spa. Not that there is anything wrong with these.

I’ve just found that I prefer a quieter break (and so does our budget). One of my favorite escapes is a weekend at a monastery that requires silence for over 12 hours a day. The beautiful sound of silence. I usually read three books in two days.

Definitely not Vegas.

I’ve also found that 36 hours away seems ideal for me, though I’ve contemplated going a day longer. Maybe next time.

Your ideal might look very different. Another length of time or types of activities might suit you better. If you’ve never tried it, I encourage you to think about what it might be and give it a try.

And if you’ve felt guilty for leaving in the past (or wanting to), I hope you can stop. Instead, like me, maybe you can look forward to the next time you go.

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