‘Soft swinging,’ social media and scandals: ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives’ stars share what people get wrong about them

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is a reality show that follows a group of Mormon influencers who came together to create social media content in 2021 and 2022, forming a community known as MomTok.

As their fame increased, so did their scandals. Taylor Frankie Paul, the creator of MomTok, went viral in May 2022 when she opened up in a video about participating in “soft swinging,” which she defined as “when you just hook up but you don’t go all the way.” She said it was practiced by others in her friend group and their husbands, but added “the majority of MomTok is not involved,” though she never shared the names of the other alleged participants.

The series picks up in the wake of Paul’s February 2023 arrest on charges that included assault and committing domestic violence in the presence of a child.

“It was obviously one of the worst nights ever,” she told the New York Post in a recent interview. “But for me, it changed our relationship because I finally got help.”

After the first episode, the show expands its focus on the broader MomTok group: influencers Demi Engemann, Jennifer Affleck, Jessi Ngatikaura, Layla Taylor, Mayci Neeley, Mikayla Mathews and Whitney Leavitt.

Leavitt experienced a brief scandal of her own online in December 2021 when she posted a video of herself doing a viral TikTok dance next to her newborn son as she explained that he was recovering from RSV. She’s confronted about it in the show.

Yahoo Entertainment spoke with all eight stars of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives about transitioning from social media to reality show fame, how they’ve become breadwinners for their families and what people get wrong about Mormonism.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

What was your relationship with social media like before joining MomTok?

Mayci Neeley: We all had our own platforms, running our own Instagrams, TikToks and maybe doing a little bit of YouTube Shorts. Most of us had a platform already, then MomTok was an added bonus opportunity to do collaborations and get more eyes on our pages.

Demi Engemann: I’ve been in the social media world for almost 12 years, whether it was in front of the camera or helping brands build their social media pages.

Layla Taylor: I started my social media around the time that MomTok started — maybe a couple months before Taylor [Frankie Paul] invited me to film at one of the first “content days.”

Jennifer Affleck: I joined MomTok just about a year ago and have only been posting on social media for three years. Before MomTok, I was pretty isolated and doing my own thing. It’s become so much bigger with MomTok. I feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself.

Jessi Ngatikaura: I have a hair business, and that’s why I started my social media. With MomTok, everything became more fun, like an extracurricular.

How has it been letting a reality show TV crew into your life?

Whitney Leavitt: It was a bit overwhelming, but exciting at times. They would push us to have conversations we wouldn’t normally have. It was never planned, either — [the crew] would be like, “We’re coming over right now!” Then you’d be scrambling to clean up your house so it’s not a wreck.

Engemann: Surreal for sure. I had no expectations going into this — I tried to go in with an open mind because every reality show is different.

Taylor: I’ve had an amazing experience. Our crew members and producers are amazing to work with. I miss them all. They’re like our second family.

Ngatikaura: When the crew left, my son was like, “Where are all my friends? Where did they go?”

Engemann: We felt like we were filming a home video that no one would ever get to see, so it’s crazy that it has all come to life.

Mikayla Mathews: There were days where I thought, “I’m so fun! This is so fun!” but then there were days where things were a little more scary. But since we all have social media as a background, it was a seamless transition for most of us.

Affleck: I definitely feel like the camera does things to people. It magnifies emotions and magnifies personalities, especially in this group. All of us have really big personalities so sometimes that can cause issues.

Mathews: A lot of the time I was like, “Why do I feel like I’m about to cry right now? I would never cry about this.” Suddenly, my emotions were heightened.

Taylor Frankie Paul: I’m a pretty open book. I share a lot. This was different because we weren’t the ones editing it. It brought out a different side of me, though, one that’s more soft and vulnerable. I’m more of a hard-ass online.

Whitney, how did it feel to have your past social media controversy — that hospital TikTok dance — brought up on the show?

Leavitt: I didn’t know it was going to be brought up. Demi [Engemann] was the one who decided that. No one else in the group would have because they know how traumatizing it was for me during that time.

Are you more comfortable talking about it now?

Leavitt: Definitely. That was almost three years ago, so I’ve had plenty of time to process it. When it was brought up [during the show], it was very inappropriate. But at the time that I made the video, I had [MomTok as] a support group. We didn’t talk about it, but I knew they all knew about it and still wanted me to be part of their videos and to have me as a friend.

Do you feel like being Mormon has an impact on your career as an influencer or now a reality TV personality?

Neeley: In the beginning, I don’t think I really talked about religion on social media unless people asked or saw photos of my wedding, because the Mormon Temple was in the background. I poke fun at myself now about how I got pregnant at BYU as a Mormon.

Engemann: There are some things that some of the girls won’t participate in. We all have different values.

Mathews: I haven’t been active in the church for almost 10 years, but I know it’s different for everyone on their personal faith journey.

Affleck: It’s been really interesting to me because I love the religion. I’m part of it, I believe it and it’s everything to me. My relationship with God is my focus. Being on a platform where a lot of people see you, especially members of the church, has been hard for me because I constantly think, “What does it mean to be a good Mormon? Do I need to behave this way? Can I not dance this way? How do I need to dress?” Being a part of this show made me realize that being a good member isn’t about what it looks like to others. It’s whether you’re a good person or not.

Ngatikaura: It’s a religion that people on the outside don’t know much about, and I think that’s intriguing. It’s polarizing — people love it or hate it. I think it can help you, but sometimes it hurts us because people are really judgmental of our show title.

Paul: That’s why MomTok blew up — we were these Mormon girls who weren’t doing Mormon things.

Are there any misconceptions about Mormonism that you wish you could set straight?

Leavitt: One, we’re not polygamists. Two, we can drink caffeine, but we’re advised to stay away from tea and coffee.

Engemann: We get it all. You name it, we get it. We recently went to this project, and when we showed up they said, “Wait, we thought you guys wore bonnets and pioneer dresses and churn butter?”

Taylor: People assume things based on the information they’ve gathered through their lives, but I think they’ll be pleasantly surprised to see we don’t do all those things. Not everyone wears garments. Unfortunately, soaking is a thing.

Engemann: I have never participated in that.

Taylor: I don’t do soaking. I just have sex.

Engemann: There are a lot of extremes in the religion and it’s cool to see that a whole spectrum of beliefs exist.

Affleck: I drink caffeine and too much of it.

Mathews: People are always like, “Oh, you’re so normal!” It’s like they think Mormons are aliens.

Ngatikaura: I think one of the biggest misconceptions is just that Mormons are confined and restricted. People think that we have no phones and no internet and that we have to wear turtlenecks every day. We’re showcasing that Mormons can be cool, normal people.

A lot of women on the show talk about how they’re the breadwinner for their family as an influencer. What does being the breadwinner mean to you?

Affleck: It’s been empowering, especially as someone who didn’t graduate from college and have all the credentials in the world. For goodness’s sake, I’m dancing on my countertops, but it looks different for everyone. If it’s paying the bills, it’s paying the bills. My intention was to be able to provide for my husband through medical school, then to provide for my parents. My goal is to be able to tell my kids that you really can do it if you really want to, and you can do it all by yourself, even if that looks different from what you expected.

What do you hope people take away from the show?

Neeley: We’re all moms, we’re all making money and most of us are the breadwinners, so hopefully that can inspire women who grew up in a more traditional household. Hopefully, people can find someone in the cast they can relate to and hopefully learn from. The goal of this is to empower people.

Engemann: For the longest time, we’ve pitted women against each other. “Who wore it better? Who’s dating who? Who stole whose husband?” and other [positioning] like that create a natural divide. I want us to swing the pendulum back to see that women need other women.

Affleck: I’m hoping everyone can hear our story and learn and grow from that, rather than just having all these preconceived ideas of how Mormons are supposed to be. I hope everyone can see us for who we are and take religion out of it, and feel comfortable enough to share their stories about what they’ve felt shamed or guilted by in the church.

Mathews: Hopefully, people watch it and feel like we’re they’re friends and like they’re one of the MomTok girls.

All eight episodes of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives are now streaming on Hulu.

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