In one of his final PMQs as Leader of the Opposition, Rishi Sunak decided to submit the Prime Minister to a sort of death by a thousand cuts.
A set of quiet, carefully-worded and considered questions about the influence of China on national life.
Starmer’s replies began as merely weaselly. “The continued military activity in the Strait is not conducive to peace and stability,” he said, when asked to condemn Chinese drills around Taiwan.
As condemnations go, this wasn’t the most reassuring. Think: “the continued military activity of German troops in Poland is not conducive to peace and stability” or “continued Norman activity around Senlac Hill is not conducive to peace and stability”.
Clearly irritated with this manner of questioning, Sir Tetchy turned monosyllabic.
“That is not correct,” he bleated when Sunak brought up the scrapping of a scheme to monitor foreign interference. Answers as short as the PM’s fuse.
Sunak had asked why Labour had caved in to Chinese pressure on the Freedom of Speech Act.
This was, Sir Tetchy informed us, “party political point scoring” (Yes, for and by the Chinese Communist Party who are doubtless rubbing their hands in glee at the very mention of ‘David Lammy’).
Starmer once again managed to misidentify his opponent as “Prime Minister”. After three months, this seems less like a slip of the tongue and something altogether more Freudian.
In the end, Sir Tetchy snapped. The little piggy eyes blinked with fury, the cheeks bloviated and the disappointed voice tone was activated. Both visibly angry and still comically bland: it was like watching a volcano erupt with cottage cheese.
Evidently annoyed at not being able to wheel out his own party political point-scoring in time, Starmer rounded things up by reading off his magic sheet of gripes. “14 years”, “22 billion black hole”, “I was a lawyer”: we all know his greatest hits. “NOW: That’s what I call Whingeing”.
As usual, there were cheers for this. “Moooooore!” croaked one toad at the back.
But some might wonder how much longer Labour backbenchers can pretend that this is impressive.
At some point, pressure may fall on Starmer to do more than read off a sheet: perhaps not from the party opposite, but from the croakers behind.
Ann Davies of Plaid Cymru quoted an elderly constituent who was worried about losing her winter fuel payments.
Out came the magic sheet again. “We have inherited…” began Starmer. The opposition benches groaned in anticipation; there were no prizes for guessing what was coming next. “… a £22 billion black hole,” he huffed.
Things came to a conclusion as a hatchet-faced Labour nonentity boasted about the constitutional vandalism inflicted on the House of Lords the previous evening.
Davies then invited the Prime Minister to meet people with “lived experience of poverty”.
As opposed to what? Converse with a Victorian urchin via ouija board for some unlived experience?
It was a grim reminder that no matter how dreadful the PM might be at all this, there are many, many members of The Blob behind him who would be even worse.
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