‘Unforgivable!’ Beware of these relationship killers

Forgive and forget. A noble act? You can’t really forget it when someone has wronged you, but you can forgive them, can’t you? You guessed it: Not always.

This was the upshot of a recent representative survey of 6,328 people in Germany aged 18-69 by the market research company Fittkau & Maass Consulting. Commissioned by the dating website ElitePartner, it showed that trust is fundamental to a couple relationship, and deliberate deception the biggest relationship killer.

Here’s a list of what the survey found to be “deadly sins” in a relationship:

1. Slander

A total of 78% of survey respondents (85% of the women, 70% of the men) said that making false and damaging statements about your partner was unforgivable.

2. Underhand family planning

Be it secretly taking or discontinuing contraceptive pills, or not revealing that you’ve been sterilized, 77% said they wouldn’t forgive it, as it involves life decisions central to a relationship that shouldn’t be made unilaterally.

3. Financial secrets

Money is another sensitive topic for couples. A total of 69% of the respondents regard a partner’s changing their will without saying so to be beyond the pale. Losing large sums of money in risky stock market transactions or by gambling is seen by 67% as a breach of trust.

Taking money from your partner’s wallet or purse without asking is a no go for 53%. But if your partner is actually much wealthier than they let on to be, it’s unforgivable for only 38%.

4. Double life, secret children, flirting with friends

Keeping children from a previous relationship secret is grounds for a break-up in the opinion of 66%. And flirting with someone from the couple’s circle of friends is unforgivable for 55%.

5. Spying on partner’s smartphone, withholding medical diagnoses

Nearly one in four survey respondents admit to having surreptitiously looked at information on their partner’s smartphone. Nevertheless, 49% view it as a massive breach of faith. The same percentage wouldn’t forgive their partner for withholding a medical diagnosis from them.

6. Law violations, pornography, faked sexual desire or orgasms

Minor violations of the law, such as tax trickery, are unforgivable for 48%. Frequent pornography consumption is also potentially perilous to a relationship: 35% wouldn’t stand for it, women (48%) more often than men (22%). Commonly faking sexual desire or orgasms is a no-no for 34%.

7. Pets and hobbies

What about getting a dog or cat without prior agreement? For 35%, it’s a clear breach of the implicit rules of a relationship. And suddenly taking up a risky or time-consuming hobby can be, for 34%, a bridge too far.

“Someone’s behaviour is often felt to be seriously offensive if it fundamentally disregards our personal values, we see it as directly targeted at us and deeply shakes our sense of self-worth,” says psychologist Lisa Fischbach, who advises individuals and couples, and heads ElitePartner’s department of research and matchmaking.

“The closer our relationship is to the person who has done us wrong, the more deeply we’re emotionally wounded,” she says. “The misconduct usually does irreparable damage to our trust.”

However, even if it seems impossible at first, forgiving is an important process in regaining your inner peace, Fischbach goes on, “because it’s not about accepting the wrong or absolving the wrongdoer of responsibility, but about letting go of your anger and thoughts of revenge.”