What is gray divorce? 6 things to consider before leaving your spouse later in life

While divorce rates in the U.S. may be declining a new trend is emerging in how people approach long-term relationships: a phenomenon known as gray divorce.

There’s no formal definition of “gray divorce,” but it tends to refer to couples who split up after decades together, usually in their 50s or later.

Between 1990 and 2010, the race of divorce in people in their 50s or older doubled, according to the American Psychological Association. In 2019, over one-third of divorces in the U.S. — 36% — occurred in people over 50, compared to 8.7% in 1990.

Some high-profile, recent gray divorces include Bill and Melinda Gates, Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott.

Divorce is always challenging, but gray divorce comes with a unique set of considerations, according to the APA, including finances that have been merged for years, loneliness due to a social life centered around the marriage, and the effects on adult children.

“The hardest part was the feeling of ‘failing at a marriage’ and separating a shared life of more than 30 years,” Katie M., 61, who got divorced after 34 years of marriage and didn’t wish to share her last name, tells TODAY.com. “What made it easier was that my children were adults, financially we were in a better place, and my life experiences made me stronger to handle it all. And of course, life-long friends who were there to offer emotional support.”

No two marriages or circumstances are the same, and every divorce will require a unique set of compromises, but if you are older and considering leaving your spouse, here are a few things divorce lawyers, family therapists and those who have been there, encourage you to consider.

1. There are questions you should ask yourself before leaving.

“Divorce is situationally dependent, but generally being self-reflective and very, very clear about why you’re doing this, and not coming from a place of being reactionary is key,” Meredith Shirey, a licensed psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast “Love me or Leave Me,” tells TODAY.com. “Because if you have children and you have been together for a long time and have very entangled lives, it does not just affect you.”

Shirey suggests you ask yourself a few key questions before you move forward with a formal separation or divorce:

• What do I hope happens? In other words, what is the best case scenario?

• What is the worst case scenario?

• What am I gaining if I leave?

• What am I losing if I leave?

Of course, there are also financial questions to consider, including how you’ll be able to support yourself, and if you’re the breadwinner, if you’re willing and able to pay spousal support and lose a portion of your retirement.

But before thinking about money, Shirey advises that people take stock of their personal feelings, goals and expectations for both married and single life.

“It’s about doing that personal assessment because ultimately you cannot live your life for other people,” she says. “So really it’s all about taking that personal inventory and cost-benefit analysis of what is coming up for you, why it’s coming up now, who is this going to impact and how is this going to impact them?”

2. It might be easier to make a clean break.

Mary Katherine Brown, an attorney practicing family and matrimonial law for more than 20 years in New York City, says that a number of factors can make divorce later in life actually easier. From the age of any children to finances to the work they’ve already done to get through previous rough patches, it can be easier to make a clean break.

“Divorce can be easier later in life rather than when you’re right in the ‘thick of it’ and you have young kids,” Brown explains. “Your parents might be more judgmental, your kids might be more judgmental, and in many ways you’re just stuck when you’re in your 30s and 40s. But by the time you’re in your later 50s, 60s and beyond, you don’t have to apologize to anyone for any of your decisions, and most people can accept that. So I’d say that’s a big plus.”

Katy Leopard, 53, who divorced after 22 years of marriage, decided to remain in her marriage until her kids were older and did have a difficult time bucking the social stigma of divorce. But when she did make the break, she realized that her age and life experiences were helping her go through with her decision.

“My kids were older and in school full-time, so I could go back to work full-time,” she says. “And as an older woman I knew so much more about what I wanted from a partner, and it was not at all what I valued as a younger person. Women at this age know what to give a f— about and what really does not matter.”

3. It might actually be harder on your children.

While parents are often encouraged to “stay together for the children,” Shirey says divorce after the children have left the home can actually be more difficult from the kids’ perspective.

“Divorce when your kids are younger can be harder in the immediate because you’re very wrapped up in your feelings and the children’s feelings and everything that impacts both,” she says. “At the same time, because you are so present, you are probably paying attention a bit more to what’s going on and to your kids’ well-being. So the divorce might be easier for the parents if they’re doing it after the kids have left the nest, and it might actually be harder on the kids.”

Shirey encourages parents who are divorcing later in life to not automatically assume their children will cope just because they’re adults. Instead, she encourages parents to make themselves available, to be willing to have difficult conversations, and to be forthright with their children.

“Be honest, but also keep in mind that they’re your children and you need to almost kind of mimic those earlier stages of parenting,” Shirey explains. “Have the boundary that you’re not going to disparage the other parent in front of your kids. And honestly, the best way that parents can prepare their children is to be prepared themselves.”

Shirey also said it’s typical for older children to question their childhoods in the aftermath of a divorce that happens later in life. “It’s probably going to be a crisis moment,” she says. “What was your whole marriage? Was my childhood a lie? Were you faking it? Are my memories real? So parents really need to be aware that that thinking may happen and be willing and able to field questions and have some harsh conversations.”

4. Financially and socially, things could be trickier.

Finances and the division of marital assets can be trickier the longer you’ve been together, Brown says.

“For high net worth people, it’s not about the money — there’s plenty of money to go around,” she explains. “In that case, the issues that may be more in dispute are likely to be control … of the things they built together. Who is going to carry that on? Who is going to control the legacy?”

For less wealthy people, however, finances are exponentially more difficult to parse out after 15-plus years of marriage, especially when one person has handled the finances or only one person worked outside the home.

“The ability to support yourself when you’ve been dependent on your spouse for the majority of the marriage, that’s the biggest issue,” Elliot Green, a family law attorney practicing in New York City, tells TODAY.com.

When someone has spent 20 or more years trusting their partner to handle the finances, for example, there can be a disconnect between how much something costs, for example, or how much money is really available to them once they are separated and responsible for handling their own finances.

“That’s the kind of thing that people fall into in long-term marriages: this one is in charge of this and this one is in charge of that,” Brown says. “If you look at a business, you wouldn’t expect the IT department to know anything about marketing and vice versa, right? And why would you? They have a job to do and they all work together to get the job done. And that’s what a marriage is — an economic partnership.”

5. Mediation is a great option.

“The benefit (of mediation) is that you’re in court, but you can see a trained mediator who can help you with things that are sticking points: child support, spousal support, a division of an asset. They’re trained and they’re employed by the court,” Green says.

Green stresses that if there are allegations of domestic violence or restraining orders involved, mediation is not an option, due to the imbalance of power present in the relationship that would put one party at a disadvantage versus the other. But in most cases, it’s a useful tool that can help resolve issues faster. After all, as Green says, “The longer you fight, the more the attorneys make and the less you keep for yourself.”

6. Despite social judgment and shame, divorce is normal.

While divorce has certainly become more commonplace and relatively accepted by the general public over the years, it still carries a significant amount of shame, stigma and judgment, especially in certain religions. But Shirey encourages everyone, whether they’re contemplating divorce or not, to remember the realities of romantic relationships.

“Life is short, and when we created marriage, relationships and monogamy, we weren’t necessarily expecting to have to spend 60 or 70 years with somebody,” she says. “It’s normal for love to go through phases, and it’s also normal for love to leave a relationship. It’s about not judging yourself or others, but about deciding what makes sense for you right now. Nobody has a crystal ball, and we make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time.”

This article was originally published on TODAY.com

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