The Class Divide On Living Near Family

You may have followed a similar trajectory to mine. You go to college, get your degree, start your career — and pursue that career to whichever city it takes you to. Inevitably, this landed me in Tampa, Florida, residing several states removed from my parents. This pattern is quite common with career oriented people, especially in the United States. But it comes with its own set of consequences.

My partner’s family lives in Albany. She had to leave for her niche academic job (bronze age archaeology). All of my closest friends live hundreds, and sometimes, thousands, of miles from their parents and extended family.

Whether someone stays near their family is often driven by socioeconomic factors. If you are from a more impoverished background, you’re much more likely to live near family — as it is common for to pool resources. For example, if your car breaks down, being able to get a ride or borrow a car can help immensely, especially if you can’t afford to repair the car or rent another. The same is true if you lose your job. It becomes much easier to survive the period of unemployment with immediate relatives in the vicinity.

Race plays a role in familial distance as well. A study found that the median distance between white adults and their mother is 15 miles, but is only three miles for black adults. This is also affected by the above socioeconomic factors, which come into play with racial disparities in income.

We are less likely to live further away from family in the US than in the UK, due to their increased support for single mothers and for the poor.

But as you move up the education (and income) brackets, your odds of living near family fall of quite quickly. A high school diploma means you have a 63% chance of living near extended family. A bachelors degree correlates to a 48% chance, and a post graduate degree translates to 42%.

Is it ideal for Americans to live so far from their families?

There is certainly a feeling of having missed out for me. I am in a group text with my parents and sister (who lives just a few miles away from my parents). Quite often, I see them sending pictures back and forth from the area. Sometimes, there’s a message about having forgotten something at their house or meeting up for a wine tasting (my parents run a vineyard).

Part of me does ache and know that I’m missing being part of their storyline. But for me, it was important to forge my own story and carve out into the world and be independent.

I’m also fortunate in that my family and I don’t have a toxic relationship as so many people do. There’s no need for me to have a difficult conversation about boundaries, and a parent stopping over unannounced during the day, or fighting over the constant pressure to visit. The separation between us is only career reasoned.

But in our case, it puts more pressure (in a good way) to make the most of our time together. Trips to other places, such as New York City, become opportune moments to celebrate and get pictures.

I write this as someone who mostly gets along with their family, and these dynamics can become infinitely complicated — especially in close proximity. In his novel, Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy wrote, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

It led to the Anna Karenina principle, and points out that in order for a family to be happy, a few things must be in order: financial security, mutual affection, and good health to all members. Yet for a family to be unhappy, any of a long list of factors can be the cause. And with close proximity, those problems are put under a spotlight. Which can then drive more people to move further away.

There is no one right answer for any person on living near family. But know the forces at work and how they affect you. Because the consequences can be real and substantive.

In my research for my book publisher, I discovered that many of you (Medium readers), are quite educated and have advanced degrees and incomes. That makes it quite likely that many of you live far from family. I would encourage you to find ways to reconnect with them when you have time, be it a phone call, or other means.

Your odds of loneliness increase when you lack interaction with people, and with family especially. Healthy familial relationships are like a supercharged antidote to loneliness. When you become too lonely, your risk of disease and depression go up markedly.

A final caution on the divide of family

In nearly every case I know of someone who lives far from family, there has been heartburn and problems that need squashing. My partner is constantly feeling pressured to visit her family. The pressure is, of course, always out of love and never devolves into a screaming match. But it does cause the common tension, which emerges from a child being ambitious and being flung to a distance city.

My best friend’s mother is constantly upset with him for not bringing their grandchildren up to visit every month — but it isn’t feasible. It’s a 6 hour drive and both he and his wife a neck deep with work and school. Even further, he lives further away because his mother keeps trying to indoctrinate their children into Christianity, and he wants his children to be 18 before they make religious decisions.

The point isn’t that we should spend time with and live closer to family regardless of circumstances. Because those circumstances can be infinitely varied and I’m sympathetic to them.

Just be aware of the economic forces that are pulling at us. They define where and how far we live from family. It takes extra steps these days to keep families well-bonded.

My parents also lived far from their parents for my dad’s military career, and so perhaps I am continuing that tradition. We combatted this by making an effort to drive and see grandparents at every opportunity. There weren’t many ski vacations in my childhood, but every Christmas and summer was with grandparents, and that helped keep the family together. The other way to do Zoom calls on a recurring basis. My partner does one every two weeks — and they came to this system because they weren’t interacting enough with each other before that.

Because I work remotely as a writer, and not for any one employer, I can do my job anywhere. So I do at least six different week long trips to see my family each year. And it has been a blessing and helped me feel more connected with family.

No matter how far your career pulls you, don’t forget where you come from, and that there are usually people who wouldn’t mind hearing from you. Upward mobility has a natural gravitational pull away from family.

It’s easier than ever to be lonely these days, but that doesn’t mean you have to be.

I’m a former financial analyst turned writer out of Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.

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